merry christmas its 6 am and maciek and danneh just left. christmas aint over untill i go to bed.

have you ever had one of those nights where the conversations are so abundant,

so deep, so happy, and so full of lessons.. and honestly you feel like you just took ecstasy.

christmas was wonderful. and i cant believe.. well scratch that i can believe.. that even

with my familys money problems.. we still all gave eachother something whether it was big or small.. and more.. everyone did the best the could to just give a gift and more that they knew the other would love.

something that every time you wear it or use it you think of them and appreciate that they

knew you would fucking love it. my family gets me. the love of my life gets me.

a couple friends that know who they are get me. they are all so beautiful.. so attractive to the heart.

i dont know who i would be if they werent the people they are.

i have learned so much.

i have made so many mistakes.

made so many good and bad judgements.

i've vented, i've talked shit.

i have been mean and felt bad.

i have been good and felt great.

i have been honest and felt relieved at the answers i received.

i really believe life is a learning expieience.

and as ive gotten to this age i have come to so many realizations.

its overwhelming at times, ive cried, but at the same time i've felt such grand happiness throughout my whole body. i feel love inside me every single day. love pushes me, the high of someone i love smiling.. is such a great high to reach. its so simple. do good feel good.. and mean it.

happiness is so consistant and so present in my soul, because i know that as im going through rough times now i still am having good times. even when shit gets really bad.. when i have to let go of a friend, when im not getting enough hours at work and i dont make enough money, the fact that i dont have a car, and that i know.. i need two jobs to get a car. i cant have 2 jobs without a car.. its stressful.

but of course i know that im healthy, i have a family that loves me, and that i have a good relationship with so many of them and that even though i have few friends the ones who love me have shown me this..

when you get to know people on the same level as you, who are feeling or have felt the same way you do in so many various situations, and react in so many similar ways as you would in various complications.. and share the same perspective on life... well ...its even more beautiful when you share a similar perspective on life.. because you can learn so much from them and they can learn so much from you. it gives you hope.. that there are really more people out there just like you. ready to grow and ready to love eachother and be happy. that life isnt so hard and even when you feel that it is, you can always work past it if you love yourself and and people who love you just enough.. respect, to feel your respect for another and theirs for you is a gratifying feeling. they show you that honest true consistent relationships is so very possible. the friendships that are going to uphold through anything are the ones where each party is willing to be open and honest even willing to admit their flaws and pet peeves. in order to really love each-other, and have good times together and continue to be best fucking friends.. we have to respect each-others feelings.. and let our loved ones know how we really feel.. and not lash out when we feel hurt or angered by them.

misunderstandings poison friendships & relationships, when one is not willing to admit what bothered them and just say something mean, or scream at you.. or make up and excuse to be mad at you, or talk bad about you behind your back, betray you, lie to you.. you start to realize.. that even though you love them.. theyre really no good for you. i have learned this, and im getting pretty good at practicing it. im letting go, i still need to let go, i still need to grab ahold of life as much as possible. for as long as i live life will remain beauteous. if you connect and feel love all around you, life will remain contiguous. so alive are your eyes. simple delight. i fucking love life, flaws most definitely included.

i wanna thank all my loved ones for inspiring such thoughts, i'm not perfect, no one was.. is.. and ever will be.. you love me for me. you let me know that you love me. we will never be perfect.. but we're all logical.. and my friends its only been a few years or less.. i hope we will continue to live this way together.. it brings such a content feeling to have that. ive had it with my family all my life and i anticipate more friends to love and be loved by.. to have good times with.. to fall to the floor laughing with.. and if you know how to love i'd say we're getting the hang of living. anyone can read this and say im just pretending to believe this and live the way i say i do. people have said it behind my back so many times and some eventually to my face. but the fact is, i'm living & learning and so can you. so let go.. let people know what you really want. i posted this because i want people like me to feel the way i did tonight talking to maciek and danneh, the way i feel every time im with brian todd, the way i feel with my family and other close friends.. there are people out there who are so similar to us.

i guarantee that if you adapt to living in a similar way your insecurities will indeed fade.

i say similar because everyone is different. everyone has their own way. similarity like i said before is beautiful. and as you start to understand that it is still natural to feel insecure even when

you truely do love yourself emotionally and physically.

i've come to figure out that it is natural to question myself sometimes.

but as i question myself i try to remember who loves me. why i love me.. and what i have to do

to continue being happy and stay true to myself while making others happy.

i have found in so many circumstances.. its worked and made me realize that i am beautiful.. that there are so many beautiful people waiting for me the way my loved ones and i are waiting for them. i once read a quote in the book "paths to enlightenment." it states : "the person i am looking for is looking for me." and when you find that person.. those people.. you see that love is much more tasteful than hate and discussions feel so much better than arguments.

its 7:00 am now and ive been writing and re writing this. what is it about winter that stirs my thoughts and makes me wanna write them down for over an hour. i would love to keep writing but my back hurts & my bed im sitting on is beggin for me to lay down in it.. its getting light outside and i feel like i could fall asleep but i could stay up for a few more hours. ill pick sleep my back hurts.

gooood morning.

jealousy, ah the bitter taste of flattery.

random thoughts.

sometimes it

feels good

to feel sad,

cause it makes sense

to feel that way..
sometimes i divide my memory,

like you were never there with me.

you are all of my worn out wishes.

you're all the lyrics i never finished.

we let ourselves get so close

& go our separate ways.

see i think we're all

completely different.

and we're all

exactly the same.

well wouldn't it be wondrous?

wouldn't it be wondrous to meet us?

to connect. to love.

to evolve. to reflect.

to intrigue & inspire a dream.

we float inside a soft cycle

of perpetual change,

nothing & no one

ever stays the same.

tilt your head back and feel the breeze,

feel my energy.. high on you and me.

i receive inside our heat.

as the frost returns i can feel it all changing,

seeing faces i have no trouble naming.

sometimes you cant help but feel magic as you watch snow fall..

it really is just marvelous, white crystals falling, swirling together in the air.

i was driving home tonight as it snowed, and my eyes took pleasure in the sight of snow weightlessly dancing on the ground.. running across the road in all sorts of directions.

it made me forget for a moment.. that everything in my life is changing.

jumping..

spinning..

grinning..

laughing.

holding.. leaving.. winning.. catching.

an eternity in your hands, you bend.

drinking..

loving..

touching.

twisting, kissing, living.

i am tangled inside your mind.

and you inside mine.

dairy entry.

i woke up this morning belly to the mattress in my fortress of blankets.

i felt really hungry and gross, my nose still stuffy from the night before.

fuck. i had to puke.

this is bullshit, i get out of my warm bed and am oh so fucking humbly greeted

by the cold temperature of my bedroom, my bathroom floor is even colder and i

lean over the toilet and puke just in time. i was proud of myself, a second less and it would have ended up on the floor.. and we all know how FUN it is to clean up your own vomit while you feel like dying.

what a greeeatttt way to start the day. I flipped my light switch on and brushed my teeth, looking in the mirror at my red eyes and groggy expression, as i brushed i examined how drained i looked, my hair was messy from sleep and i felt so tiny.

i always feel so small and fragile when im sick. i HATE it.

im glad though after brushing my teeth twice i was ready to resume sleep.. i passed out within minutes only to be awoken by my dad a few hours later. he asked me to cancel some texting thing for him, and i dont even remember doing it but i did. He called the doctor for me, whuttuhguuuyyy!!! >

I decided a few months ago that this winter was the time to finally quit smoking ciggs. im done. so done. and its december.. its time, i have 7 butts left in my newport pack.. sucks that im sick and cant even smoke them hahaha. but as soon as i smoke the last one, im givin it another go... quitting ill be hard but not hard at the same time... im excited to do it.. i went to the salvation army with melissa and rachel and bought 5 bucks worth of good shit.

TWO RECORDS !!!!>

The trouble with sleep is....

its so hard to find sometimes.

words and memory get in the way.

i cant reach the next day.

i just lay in my bed imagining,

smiling but wishing i was dreaming.

tonight though, im SICK im coughing right now as i type, its gotten to be pretty fucking annoying, my boss said its okay if i call out, but i cant afford to call out :( i have to be awake at 10:15 and its 2:00 am :( every time ive layed down tonight i start coughing more than if i sit up. This sucks, Brian's really sick as well, we hung out today and when i arrived at his house i saw his mom with tissues stuffed up her nose, we're all beat in the todd house except for papa todd! good luck to him, he was laughing saying "im next and ill be the worst." Bri and i sat in his bed watching its always sunny and smoking bizz after bizz, its funny how you can blaze a lot when youre sick and it gets you weird stoned.. like soooo stoned. we couldnt even cuddle cause every time we tried to lay down at all we'd cough. UGH i just wanna be better and cuddlee with my handsome :(

UGhhh i really should get to sleep.. bowl and beauty and the beast here i come.

hopefullyyy ill fall asleep during the movie..

you are a dream. exactly what you seem.

i am falling slowly, smiling.

this feels good,

the refreshing air i breathe.

we bundle up and daydream,

humming sweet and serene.

you are a dream.

you are exactly what you seem.

beautiful and clean.

my life has been moving so damn fast,

but i feel like im catching up with it at last.

on my way to finally being free,

as im juggling responsibilities.

i know i will find my way..

as i will treasure each day.

not even close to done.. i dig it tho

we can go to another universe you and i,

we can become notorious travelers of the sky..

we sail in a perfect pattern.. surrounded by light.

not done i gotta go to work haha

music is quite possibly the most amazing discovery that a human will make.

it is the reason for so many beautiful things, so many beautiful thoughts.

my baby sittin on the porch, playin songs into the night.

he rocks back and fourth in simple delight.

the sky has shifted and its a beautiful sight.

just like those eyes.

i hum to the rhythm of the rain.

pattin my hands on my pants,

i drum to the rhythm of the sun.

take my hand.

i'd fancy a dance.

simple claps, together..

clap clap clap clap.

together we become an instrument.

add add add add.

with an oceanic touch.

your waves of joy rush.

crash down upon me,

so heavy but light as a feather.

i swim closer to warm weather.

such a beautiful creature..

i cant help but be in love with everything about you.

you have all the right features..

ahh booch im crazy about you :)

im so lucky.

tea time.

tea tea tea time. its tea time.

oh yes dear its tea time.

put on your favorite attire

and we'll get warm by the fire.

paisley patterned dresses

and grinning faces,

rosey cheeks and anxious lips.

tea is so very delicious.

i'd like to think that life is this easy.

right now im feelin silly :)

i've always believed that poetry

is naturally healthy.

with my words my soul becomes wealthy.

organs hummin', start the drummin'

this beat is pumpin much like your heart.

in music we create forever.. its an ill start.

this melody is ours, and no one

can ever take it away.

and it goes like this.. one two th

ree four..

ahhhh chigga chigga komona wona.

wonchaaa give me some love?!

i like to create, and change things,

rearrange my brain and see what it brings.

the girl in the sky is my daydream.

my structure is touched by wonder,

as i toss myself into the sun.

ahh chigga chigga komona wona..

wonnchhaa give me some love.

cage-less curiosity.

searching for dreams

that will break the scheme of things.

a new muse i will reach,

explore

&

keep.

with every note pouring from my mouth

i can tell you hundreds of stories

inside sound...

already wearing a grin,

a classic polaroid smile.

wont you take off your coat

and stay for a while?

living to sing,

constantly searching for peace..

new melodies flowing through my body,

on the brink of release.

butterflies bursting from my vocal strings..

i let it all out when the soul inside me sings.

cage-less, and curious.

i'm prompt to take a leap.

i got the whole world at my bare feet.

take the chance to spread your wings,

& start to appreciate the little things.

it's what matters at the end of the day,

what will go and what will stay.

hoist your memory,

lessons, and revelry.

good life.

time is passing by me,

smokin in the passengers seat.

this destination we may possibly reach.

we're gunna set ourselves free.

abandonment isnt my best endowment.

& there's some old pain in my pocket,

so gotta find a way to toss it.

toss it in to time, toss it.

your face now a figment of imagination

and long ago i discovered that i lost it.

time is passing by me,

dreamin in the passengers seat.

feeling his symphony going wild inside of me.

me and my baby, we're already free.

we just gotta continue to be

wide eyed and harmonized.

gimmie a high five.

this is the good life.

and all we've ever wanted is to inspire,

together, cloud sailor of warm weather..

we're gunna set this world on fire.

like i'm stargazing, shining in your beauty,

you're in every little leaf falling just for me.

sit back with your aviators and bask in that grin.

your eyes delight at the adjustment of light,

knowing the sun cant get in.

floating, laced up layers

with surreal exterior, ALIVE.

nor fantasy, nor real..

a beautiful pinwheel,

spinnin' up in space.

the kaleidoscope dream

falls into place..

those notes are so eloquent

in their expression,

floating upwards and downwards.

touching me, telling me.. to drift with them.

so i make each musical note my companion.

still i grin in their spiral rhythm.

take me far from here.

this place in my head when you're not near.

can i give you this gift?
with steady hands your eyelids lift..
can i help you really see
how possible it is to be happy?

see, life is easy.
everyone over thinks shit.
even me.

but when you realize.. how much beauty is everywhere
how can that not shed light into the ugly things you see?

thank you rain, beautiful aid.

there is something enthralling in the air..

how delightful, the world is so musical.

my senses giggle & tingle,

thoughts converse & mingle.

surround me in sweet sound,

as i'm eclipsed in bliss.

biting into the fruit of happiness.

bursting are the flavors of life.

when you see your lover,

kiss em' twice ;)

tap..

tap..

tap..

drip..

drip..

tap..

on my window,

dripping down are pretty

water crystals.

i watch them dance across the glass,

running in their scattered paths.

in the distance,

i hear constance.

rain.

such a simple beautiful recognition.

and i grin knowing the rain man's mission.

i still cant help but wonder,

who are you now?

this question forever swimming

in and out my ears.

cant you see that my mind

doesn't want you here?

collab with brian!

my lines are bold. brian's are italic :)

i love drunk poetic nights with my boyyy.

colorful constance..

you give me simplicity,

a beautiful reaction of energy.

you give me constance,

with just the right amount of nonsense :)

never knew it could be so easy,

findin someone to run wild with me.

through the fields of color,

through the times of duller,

we can bask in sheer delight,

knowing we share your bed at night.

and anticipate a kiss so very fine,

after i complete our rhyme.

in your presence i can feel the essence of pure beauty.

wont you be my flower? and continue to grow with me?

wont you be my power? and continue to flow through me?

your skin is shimmering like white crystals in the sky,

reflecting from the moonlight, with eyes of exquisite ice.

bluer than the hottest fire,

your soul, heart & face that i desire,

our love conspires

in waves of color.

his skin shimmering like

white crystals in the sky,

reflecting from the moonlight,

with eyes of exquisite ice.

inspire. reflect.

e x p a n d

intellect.

so strange that it's pleasant,

this life im livin in the present.

i dont like this writers block bullshit.

4 lines.. daniela? REALLY :(

when you

take those

flowers home,

please do

them the ultimate

pleasure..press

them in between

pages so they can
live forever.

the fact that you exist & strive to "live." makes me uneasy.

it's because you're so much like me.. in ideals & creativity,

but you're everything i never wanna be..

gettin a little odd.

i've go a fuckload of pillows,
purple tan and red.
and i dare to declare
i've got the most comforable bed.
with multicolored blankets
that i get lost in & i lay my head.

swirling around me is the colors of my walls.
dripping from tacs are artifacts.
i've got em all.
picures, beads,
records, dreams.
necklaces & rings.
candle wax & tea bags.
tapestries and rock wraps.

short poems :)

one day when i have a child

i will tell them to remember,

that one man's trash

is an artist's treasure.

wind chimes bringin me songs of wild fall.

to you, to me, and to all

who can begin to dance

in delicate vibrance.

the simplest of sounds,

allow me to twirl around.

the elder sunflowers sit back in september somber.

everything is ending & beginning like i remember.

each atom in my body is spinning with the earth,

our colorful top of wonder.

i got some thoughts and i'm bound to sell em'

my life is a collection of stories

& they'll be worth tellin.

who am i

what am i to you?

someone who,

is so niave and young,

who's song hasnt been sung.

well im singin, each and everyday

i hope you hear the love im bringing

in every way.

hal

dust collects in the part of my heart

where you used to lay

you used to bask in my spirit,

you didnt exist in life.. you lived it.

anything but delicate.

wise with good advice

that you never ceased to give

untill other people in your life

became more important.

now we are mere ghosts in eachothers reality.

i dont think if my eyes landed apon you, i'd see.

mister is invisible to me.

once again i'm 15 and he dont know me.

it's funny, relationships sometimes.. how you start off as strangers

and in time.. you become what you once were..

a stranger to the other when you were once their lover.

i went from being

"the best thing in my life."

"the girl who keeps me wanting to be alive."

to someone who played a role in your attempted suicide.

now i know its pretty obvious,

who inspired this, who inspired this.

was hesitant to share this, but fuck it.

our dirty feet have lost their shoes,

we wander with nothing to loose.
i wonder if i'll ever get to sleep tonight,

cause im anticipating the daylight.
we dose undearneath the crystal stars,

humming the melody of serenity.
layer upon layer of clothing

and i still feel your warmth,
the wind can not touch my skin
when it's your arms that i'm within.
hand in hand, we search and explore the land.
i want to find friends

that inspire me again.
whistling is the wonderous wind as it
sings colorful songs of autumn trees.
a breath of fresh air is what you are to me.
my idea's spin along with the crumpled leaves.
as this season once again repeats.

i see more clearly.
each minute,

hour,

day,

month,

year..

im changing,
my life is rearranging,

and it doesnt bother explaining.
i am constantly in question

but with patience and thought, i learn the lesson.

my memories, they call me down the street.

sun flowers faced down in their september somber.

your eyes are the tide that pulls me inside.

your eyes.. i come alive in their design.

all your clothes, i want to wrap around my whole.

your captivating, liberating kiss,

i want to feel even when your lips are missed.

" i'll keep all your kisses safe between my lips. "

your tangible touch, our natural rush.

our fingers, they craft a world where we reside.

taking peeks into each others minds.

my boochie, my only, my silly sweet baby..

with colorblind eyes

you still see how colorful you make me.

:) i love you brian todd.

i remember you in may when the flowers start to bloom.

there are pieces of you, scattered about my bedroom.

i remember you in winter, and how you hate your birthday.

i remember how your all your habits seemed to be here to stay.

is it just my theory that you choose to wipe memories?

i am happy, and i wonder if you care that i am.

cause i hope for happiness for you, in anyways i can.

we're long gone.

we really are strangers..

avoiding their world's clashing once more,

when before, it was land we craved to explore.

it's great to be free of you,

after all you put me through.

but i cant help myself,

you were one of the best books on my shelf.

and the worst hurt i ever felt.

so you will continue to inspire me,

and the lessons you taught will never cease to help me see.

varied mood.

love in any instance

is no coincidence.

because of it's natural radiance.

give me a chance

to feel your vibrance!

judge me not.

why must anyone.. even me,

think we know how life's supposed to be?

assume, as if we've ripped through an ego

and know whats beneath?

why should i look at you,

and think i know what you've been through?

judge you and say i know

why you do the things you do.

a fool is i,

to swear i know what lies inside

anyone's

soul. body. &. mind.

when it's right there in front of me

to explore and try to find.

why should i not try to understand?

and turn the pages of your life-span

with my very own hand.

my own karma payment plan.

to view karma as payback

for what i seem to lack..

as some sort of redemption for

my misfortune and pain.

is simply insane.

i sorry to say karma does not exist.

it is just as fake as the god, so many

claim to not believe in.

if he's really out there,

than he shall forgive this so called "sin"

the sin of question.

watching my sand sift through your crystal hourglass.
watching you all slip out of my perspective, time must pass.

gone, dazed silly little lady,
spinnin in the moonlight,
sleepin in the sunlight.
in a tent that’s home
with blankets and pillows.
she opens her mind and what does she find?
the rainfall, the reminder.
alive & lost in wonder..
just be rinsed with it.
dont even try to find it.
just feel the moment!!!
feel the memory drift beautifully away
it flies far away until its months to the date.
im so happy im an artist.. i couldn’t survive without it.
life much more amusing if you can read & watch it.

poems :)

i open up my eyes and hold the moment.

to make you smile is my main component.

it is easy to hate if you dont appreciate

l o v e .

i've known for so long what it feels like to be loved.

to be unconditionally treasured,

& know it cant be measured.

i know what it feels like to love, i feel it every day.

every moment. to let you see is my main component.

i will not force, drive, or trick you into believing it.

because you will already feel it.

taste the air outside. touch the blades of grass.

hear the sounds of life as time will pass.

every thing i see is a piece.

a piece of my world, my very own world.

i cant live your life for you, that would be silly.

so dont try to live mine, dont try to teach me.

i am already learning.

once again my mind has questions.

ill put them all together one day

with loves suggestions.

can you crawl inside my head and see things my way?

i wouldn't trade my life for anyones any day.

i want to be
entralled.
inspired.
allured.
on the other
side of desire.

racing flowers.

i fill my head up with pictures.

my eyes delight in a moment captured.

snap, i can get a taste of it back.

indulge in the past.

it's great great great

and its real real bad.

"things i have loved, im allowed to keep."

still in boxes they are alive.

going on in their daily lives.

giggling in their cardboard confinement.

kissing, grinning, sinning, making odd faces,

"and we're slow to acknowledge the knots in our laces"

in quotes - regina specktor.

& dr. dog.

two very different songs,

but inspiring all the same.

i dont want the typical visual.

send an individual.

capturing various styles,

bringin on smiles.

from punk to funk,

reggae rap to scat.

acapella and jazz.

watchin fingers ridin

them classical tabs.

send me the good vibes,

inspiring such bright eyes.

let my ears taste the music

givin my body no chance to refuse it.

got me burnin up, burnin up..

every piece of my skin lined with love
..lost in lust..

like a joint hittin my senses

you drop my defenses.

"sweet baby what am i gunna do with you?"

just love me.. and i will love you.

i want you everywhere,

on the cieling, on the floor,

crawlin on the walls, right against the door.

i want you all over the place,

pick up my rhythm,

slow

down

the

bass.