merry christmas its 6 am and maciek and danneh just left. christmas aint over untill i go to bed.

have you ever had one of those nights where the conversations are so abundant,

so deep, so happy, and so full of lessons.. and honestly you feel like you just took ecstasy.

christmas was wonderful. and i cant believe.. well scratch that i can believe.. that even

with my familys money problems.. we still all gave eachother something whether it was big or small.. and more.. everyone did the best the could to just give a gift and more that they knew the other would love.

something that every time you wear it or use it you think of them and appreciate that they

knew you would fucking love it. my family gets me. the love of my life gets me.

a couple friends that know who they are get me. they are all so beautiful.. so attractive to the heart.

i dont know who i would be if they werent the people they are.

i have learned so much.

i have made so many mistakes.

made so many good and bad judgements.

i've vented, i've talked shit.

i have been mean and felt bad.

i have been good and felt great.

i have been honest and felt relieved at the answers i received.

i really believe life is a learning expieience.

and as ive gotten to this age i have come to so many realizations.

its overwhelming at times, ive cried, but at the same time i've felt such grand happiness throughout my whole body. i feel love inside me every single day. love pushes me, the high of someone i love smiling.. is such a great high to reach. its so simple. do good feel good.. and mean it.

happiness is so consistant and so present in my soul, because i know that as im going through rough times now i still am having good times. even when shit gets really bad.. when i have to let go of a friend, when im not getting enough hours at work and i dont make enough money, the fact that i dont have a car, and that i know.. i need two jobs to get a car. i cant have 2 jobs without a car.. its stressful.

but of course i know that im healthy, i have a family that loves me, and that i have a good relationship with so many of them and that even though i have few friends the ones who love me have shown me this..

when you get to know people on the same level as you, who are feeling or have felt the same way you do in so many various situations, and react in so many similar ways as you would in various complications.. and share the same perspective on life... well ...its even more beautiful when you share a similar perspective on life.. because you can learn so much from them and they can learn so much from you. it gives you hope.. that there are really more people out there just like you. ready to grow and ready to love eachother and be happy. that life isnt so hard and even when you feel that it is, you can always work past it if you love yourself and and people who love you just enough.. respect, to feel your respect for another and theirs for you is a gratifying feeling. they show you that honest true consistent relationships is so very possible. the friendships that are going to uphold through anything are the ones where each party is willing to be open and honest even willing to admit their flaws and pet peeves. in order to really love each-other, and have good times together and continue to be best fucking friends.. we have to respect each-others feelings.. and let our loved ones know how we really feel.. and not lash out when we feel hurt or angered by them.

misunderstandings poison friendships & relationships, when one is not willing to admit what bothered them and just say something mean, or scream at you.. or make up and excuse to be mad at you, or talk bad about you behind your back, betray you, lie to you.. you start to realize.. that even though you love them.. theyre really no good for you. i have learned this, and im getting pretty good at practicing it. im letting go, i still need to let go, i still need to grab ahold of life as much as possible. for as long as i live life will remain beauteous. if you connect and feel love all around you, life will remain contiguous. so alive are your eyes. simple delight. i fucking love life, flaws most definitely included.

i wanna thank all my loved ones for inspiring such thoughts, i'm not perfect, no one was.. is.. and ever will be.. you love me for me. you let me know that you love me. we will never be perfect.. but we're all logical.. and my friends its only been a few years or less.. i hope we will continue to live this way together.. it brings such a content feeling to have that. ive had it with my family all my life and i anticipate more friends to love and be loved by.. to have good times with.. to fall to the floor laughing with.. and if you know how to love i'd say we're getting the hang of living. anyone can read this and say im just pretending to believe this and live the way i say i do. people have said it behind my back so many times and some eventually to my face. but the fact is, i'm living & learning and so can you. so let go.. let people know what you really want. i posted this because i want people like me to feel the way i did tonight talking to maciek and danneh, the way i feel every time im with brian todd, the way i feel with my family and other close friends.. there are people out there who are so similar to us.

i guarantee that if you adapt to living in a similar way your insecurities will indeed fade.

i say similar because everyone is different. everyone has their own way. similarity like i said before is beautiful. and as you start to understand that it is still natural to feel insecure even when

you truely do love yourself emotionally and physically.

i've come to figure out that it is natural to question myself sometimes.

but as i question myself i try to remember who loves me. why i love me.. and what i have to do

to continue being happy and stay true to myself while making others happy.

i have found in so many circumstances.. its worked and made me realize that i am beautiful.. that there are so many beautiful people waiting for me the way my loved ones and i are waiting for them. i once read a quote in the book "paths to enlightenment." it states : "the person i am looking for is looking for me." and when you find that person.. those people.. you see that love is much more tasteful than hate and discussions feel so much better than arguments.

its 7:00 am now and ive been writing and re writing this. what is it about winter that stirs my thoughts and makes me wanna write them down for over an hour. i would love to keep writing but my back hurts & my bed im sitting on is beggin for me to lay down in it.. its getting light outside and i feel like i could fall asleep but i could stay up for a few more hours. ill pick sleep my back hurts.

gooood morning.

jealousy, ah the bitter taste of flattery.

random thoughts.

sometimes it

feels good

to feel sad,

cause it makes sense

to feel that way..
sometimes i divide my memory,

like you were never there with me.

you are all of my worn out wishes.

you're all the lyrics i never finished.

we let ourselves get so close

& go our separate ways.

see i think we're all

completely different.

and we're all

exactly the same.

well wouldn't it be wondrous?

wouldn't it be wondrous to meet us?

to connect. to love.

to evolve. to reflect.

to intrigue & inspire a dream.

we float inside a soft cycle

of perpetual change,

nothing & no one

ever stays the same.

tilt your head back and feel the breeze,

feel my energy.. high on you and me.

i receive inside our heat.

as the frost returns i can feel it all changing,

seeing faces i have no trouble naming.

sometimes you cant help but feel magic as you watch snow fall..

it really is just marvelous, white crystals falling, swirling together in the air.

i was driving home tonight as it snowed, and my eyes took pleasure in the sight of snow weightlessly dancing on the ground.. running across the road in all sorts of directions.

it made me forget for a moment.. that everything in my life is changing.

jumping..

spinning..

grinning..

laughing.

holding.. leaving.. winning.. catching.

an eternity in your hands, you bend.

drinking..

loving..

touching.

twisting, kissing, living.

i am tangled inside your mind.

and you inside mine.

dairy entry.

i woke up this morning belly to the mattress in my fortress of blankets.

i felt really hungry and gross, my nose still stuffy from the night before.

fuck. i had to puke.

this is bullshit, i get out of my warm bed and am oh so fucking humbly greeted

by the cold temperature of my bedroom, my bathroom floor is even colder and i

lean over the toilet and puke just in time. i was proud of myself, a second less and it would have ended up on the floor.. and we all know how FUN it is to clean up your own vomit while you feel like dying.

what a greeeatttt way to start the day. I flipped my light switch on and brushed my teeth, looking in the mirror at my red eyes and groggy expression, as i brushed i examined how drained i looked, my hair was messy from sleep and i felt so tiny.

i always feel so small and fragile when im sick. i HATE it.

im glad though after brushing my teeth twice i was ready to resume sleep.. i passed out within minutes only to be awoken by my dad a few hours later. he asked me to cancel some texting thing for him, and i dont even remember doing it but i did. He called the doctor for me, whuttuhguuuyyy!!! >

I decided a few months ago that this winter was the time to finally quit smoking ciggs. im done. so done. and its december.. its time, i have 7 butts left in my newport pack.. sucks that im sick and cant even smoke them hahaha. but as soon as i smoke the last one, im givin it another go... quitting ill be hard but not hard at the same time... im excited to do it.. i went to the salvation army with melissa and rachel and bought 5 bucks worth of good shit.

TWO RECORDS !!!!>

The trouble with sleep is....

its so hard to find sometimes.

words and memory get in the way.

i cant reach the next day.

i just lay in my bed imagining,

smiling but wishing i was dreaming.

tonight though, im SICK im coughing right now as i type, its gotten to be pretty fucking annoying, my boss said its okay if i call out, but i cant afford to call out :( i have to be awake at 10:15 and its 2:00 am :( every time ive layed down tonight i start coughing more than if i sit up. This sucks, Brian's really sick as well, we hung out today and when i arrived at his house i saw his mom with tissues stuffed up her nose, we're all beat in the todd house except for papa todd! good luck to him, he was laughing saying "im next and ill be the worst." Bri and i sat in his bed watching its always sunny and smoking bizz after bizz, its funny how you can blaze a lot when youre sick and it gets you weird stoned.. like soooo stoned. we couldnt even cuddle cause every time we tried to lay down at all we'd cough. UGH i just wanna be better and cuddlee with my handsome :(

UGhhh i really should get to sleep.. bowl and beauty and the beast here i come.

hopefullyyy ill fall asleep during the movie..