venting like crazyyyy not poetry.

as you grow up you learn about the positives and negatives in life,
you hear teachers and adults say
"dont think it will never happen to you.. because it can"

never did i think the word cancer would mean
anything but something for me to hope to avoid.
when things happen that you never thought would,
it shatters you into reality. it makes you see things
you never saw.. although they were always there..
even though i see every day how much my dad loves me.
i've been noticing things,
my father and i have a good relationship.
a healthy one. we used to fight a lot.
both of us stubborn in our own way.
but somewhere over the years we've
reached certain understandings.
but also somewhere over the years
we've reached a slightly distant point.
i'm barely home, always out with friends,
working, spending weekends
at brians house.. living my life..
so why is it that this tragedy has made me
realize how much closer we should be?
then i find i have answered my own question:
because when things happen
that you never thought would,
it shatters you into reality.
it makes you see things you never saw..
although they were always there..
after talking for a bit we just hung out,
we really dont have too much in common..
but one thing we've always had is love..
the feeling of love..
we hug and kiss every time i come home, every time i leave home..
and sometimes he holds me a little bit longer. to let me know that much
more that i am his little one and he loves me.
he has called me that for as long as i can remember
and it makes me feel so special when he says it.
"my little one, you will always be my little one."
we have always been a positive family, we've gotten
through all life has thrown at us.. and now things are getting harder..
its hard to stay positive.. but i must..
he has always taught me that and so much more.
i showed him two choir songs, one was "im stayin."
it made me cry
"no no no no way
no no no no way im livin without you..
im not livin without you, i dont wanna be free.. "
the song played and we held hands.

we were sitting next to each other on my bed talking with my sister,
and she and elias went in the bathroom to brush his teeth.
and my dad placed his head on my lap and lied down,
i played with his hair.. i know he dyes it black and i havnt played with it
sense i was a little girl, his roots are silver, shiny and soft..
my dad and i may sometimes have trouble with conversation,
but we have never had a problem with the language of love.
holding him.. it was as if we were speaking our own
secret father daughter language.
hugging him, feeling his tears wet my shirt,
feeling my tears wet his..
my whole body was wrapped in his love as he held me.
i felt our energy, it was warm light and made me feel fuzzy inside.
it always is, but at that moment it was so much more.
sure i've thought "one day my parents are going to die
from old age & it is going to be hard to live life without their love."
but never did i think the possibility of him not being around
would come so soon. he's had a heart attack before but it was also
when i was a little to young to understand. he was fine and changed his diet,
he's very healthy and of course encourages me to do the same.

my sister and elias are sleeping over tonight and my sister had to
put elias to bed in my extra bed, she was reading him an old book
i have called "Noddy." its an Irish childrens book and i remember how
my dad used to read it to me. my dad was a huge influence on my love for
reading, he would always read to me before bed all the way untill 7th grade.
we'd read long stories together too, actual books.. not just picture books..
we sat there on my bed listening to my sister read the story..
i got sidetracked in thoughts and i shivered, my dad pulled my blanket
on me and flinched from the pain, i guess he moved his arm too fast..
but he wrapped me in a warm blanket put his arm around me and held my hand.
his hands are so warm and tan, they remind me of the beach as silly as it sounds.
i want to be strong, and i felt weak letting the tears slide down my face onto his hands..
but hearing him sniffle let me know i wasnt alone. its okay to cry. this is scary..
he got up and got me tissues and kept hugging me as my sister read on.
when she was finished reading i looked up at him and he said,
"you are going to do great things little one.. i know you are going to be successful."
i smiled although that remark almost sent me even more in hysterics..
he will see me make it. he will see me do great things.
i have to believe that, i have to.
the human body can do amazing things,
if he believes he will make it.. he will.
but there's that voice in the back of my head that cries "what if he doesnt?"
im sure its in his too, but i have to push it out with love.
we can get through this.
my sister and i talked alone and she hugged me,
we rocked back and fourth while talking..
she told me,
"you're not gunna see me cry a lot okay?
im gunna be strong for all of us. i dont want you
to think i dont care about whats happening
but i have to be strong for us."
so ill do my best to do the same.
life really is crazy.
the scary things really do make you cherish the simple things.
anytime i have been sick,. no matter what time, where i am, what im feeling..
he has always without failure been there for me. he has carried me up
the stairs when i had a syst and was in too much pain to walk.
he held me and stroked my hair when i couldnt breathe without
coughing up mucus.. knowing he could get whatever i had..
he did this untill i was asleep. he has done that for me countless times.
and im gunna do whatever i can to be there for him.
he has shown me what love is. he has shown me
what it really feels like to be believed in.
i gotta believe in him, his body, he can do this.
ive always told myself and others
"everything always ends up okay in the end."
i have to keep taking my own advice.
im glad i wrote my thoughts down.. there's surely more to come.